Their Karma, Your Karma

 Be mindful of your own behaviour, it will almost certainly impact upon others, and remember...
Karma is watching!

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If you've ever been wronged, even slightly, you'll know that it can leave a person feeling somewhat grazed and disgruntled, but then hey, life's not fair, and so we move on.  However if that wrong-doing is of a more serious nature, perhaps unsubstantiated claims or false accusations where you find yourself the convenient and random mule for someone else's deepest issues and insecurities, now that's different, and much more difficult to simply shrug off.

Such experiences may well result in feelings of extreme hurt and betrayal (especially if you considered the perpetrator a friend, and have actually gone out of your way to support them many times). They may leave a person feeling confused and bewildered, and questioning themselves (especially if the nature of the accusations is illogical, absurd, and completely unfounded).  Who, in this predicament, wouldn't feel an overwhelming urge to clear their name and set the record straight?!

At just turned 50, I've made a few mistakes in life, and am not entirely proud of everything I've said and done during my first half century. Equally however, I have been on the receiving end of unpleasantness before, and have learned over the years (sometimes brutally), that one's words, actions (and reactions) most certainly have consequences. Karma? These lessons are not part of any school curriculum, but are learned by most of us between the lines, through our own experiences, but we can only benefit from them if we choose to learn and not ignore. If there is such a thing as Karma, I prefer not to think of it as punishment delivered by some cosmic force, but as a learning curve.

For me, "Karma" isn't about religion, retributive justice, or even spirituality, but about accepting the inevitable consequences of my actions, and the actions of others towards me (good or bad) - simple cause and effect really I guess.  The real power of so called Karma however comes from what these consequences teach us and how they can shape us moving forward. Just by being aware that our actions will have consequences sooner or later (and that they might not be pleasant) can certainly act as a prod from our conscience, and even act as a deterrent. It can also serve to encourage the good in us, trusting that in time Karma will deliver our just rewards.

But what about those who unwittingly do wrong, or who are genuinely remorseful (sometimes good people do bad things right?) does Karma come back to bite them on the bottom too? Well if you believe there is such a thing as celestial justice, this possibly lies in the reaction of the person wronged.  If they can forgive then perhaps Karma deems there is no 'grudge' to settle, and the vicious circle of revenging one another ends. If there is no forgiveness, then I guess Karma steps up and does its thing... who knows?  I guess it's worth remembering though that at some point we all make mistakes, but if we repeat them they're no longer mistakes, they're decisions!

So, where did all this deep and meaningful stuff come from? Well, as you may have already gathered, I've been on the receiving end of some unpleasantness lately, namely utterly false and completely unsubstantiated or evidenced accusations. My initial reaction was to retreat, lick my wounds, and admittedly feel a little sorry for myself - but we all know that gets us nowhere.  So what next?  Well, I decided that a great big slap around my own face and a few positive affirmations were in order.

• Don't over-analyse false claims. If someone believes something untrue about you, that is their problem not yours.
• Don't blame yourself for being falsely accused. You are responsible for the truth in your own words, not someone else's.
• Don't ask your perpetrator to retract their false accusations more than once, their goal may be simply to bait you into further conflict.
• Remind yourself that one person's opinion of you does not define you.
• If someone says something you believe isn't true, it is appropriate to state your truth clearly. Once.
• How people treat us is their Karma, how we react is ours.
• Be kind to others, but just as importantly be kind to yourself.
• Seek out the counsel of wise, caring and supportive people who you can trust and who will help you rebuild your self-esteem.

Thankfully, I have a wonderful circle of support. Shout-out in particular here to my handsome hubby, super son, and absolutely marvelous mum... not to mention my darling daughter who, although on the other side of the world, shared her very sound advice. I consider myself truly blessed to have these people in my life, and love them all more than they will ever know. They are fabulous!

And what of my particular perpetrator, do I hope Karma kicks their sad, sorry, unscrupulous ass until it well and truly hurts?.. well no actually I don't.  However what I do hope is that they reflect and learn, and think very carefully about the consequences of their actions in future.
In particular, I hope they realise...

• That they cannot project their own insecurities on the nearest unsuspecting person, simply because they cannot bear to accept anything negative about themselves.
• That their false accusations, distortions or smear campaigns, have the potential to cause enormous emotional hurt, and even impact on a person's profession or personal reputation and character.
• That seeking to create divisions by sabotaging good relationships around them will not work in the long run.
• That if they are going to make allegations of a serious nature against someone who has done nothing but support them, they need to be able to substantiate those allegations, and have some idea of what they expect to achieve once the distress they have caused begins to ease.

I fear if they don't learn at least some of these lessons, then life is going to be very very difficult for them, and presumably Karma will certainly not be on their side.

So what have I learned so far from this very unfortunate experience (and I say so far, as it is ongoing)? Well actually an awful lot, and dare I say, so much so that I'm almost grateful for it!  These difficulties have certainly served to remind and reinforce the wisdom behind words such as these...

"You can't change how people treat you or what they say about you. 
All you can do is change how you react to it".
Gandhi

"Don't let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace"
The Dalai Lama

Thanks for reading.

Love Changes... Fact!

For better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health - one thing's for sure... love changes.

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Remember when we first fell in love?!   All that dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, testosterone and estrogen (what?!)  Yes, a potent cocktail of hormones more proficient in tricking us to declare our undying love than any Strawberry Daiquiri or Sloe Comfortable Screw could ever be! And so, all-consumed with chemicals and besotted with the euphoria of having found our perfect match, we embark on a journey of passion and indestructible love. Some may say unfortunately (and other perhaps thankfully) this stage is not sustainable, we'd never get anything done and our bodies and minds would be shot to pieces.

If, by this time, we haven't completely exhausted ourselves and our feelings for one another, we'll probably begin to deepen our bond, we feel cherished, safe, comfortable.   Our physical interactions may not be so wild, rampant or spontaneous as they used to be but they're sure to be more meaningful.

Fast forward a little, and we may even marry, build a home together, have children.  Fast forward a little more, we may have taken to spending our Sunday mornings mowing the lawn, washing the cars, cleaning the house... (hold on, what happened to Sunday morning breakfast in bed, relaxing, reading the papers, chatting, joking, laughing together?) Remember those little things we used to find 'cute' or 'quirky' in our better half?  Well we may now find them infuriating and intolerable. We're no longer excited at the prospect of spending time together, instead we simply co-exist in a state of relative comfort, which is sadly lacking in intimacy or adventure.
Time to take stock maybe?

To quote George Bernard Shaw "when two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part".

So what next?  Well, some go on, and on... perhaps lacking passion, but with comfort and familiarity being good enough. Many make it through this stage to find true and meaningful long-term love and togetherness. Others are unable to rekindle a flame bright enough to see them through, and may ultimately decide to part ways. 

And the ultimate love goal?  Well, in some respects we probably all have varying opinions on that one.  For me, a shared sense of fun, humor and adventure are crucial, and can overcome most obstacles.  But I think for most of us, love also means being with someone who not only excites and arouses us, but who loves us for who we are (warts and all). Someone who appreciates the good in us, and understands that any bad may be a result of past experiences that still live with us. 

I reckon at just turned 50, married twice and divorced once, I've felt the force of most love-related emotions... euphoria, passion, excitement, disappointment, betrayal, heartbreak, guilt, utter disbelief!  My experiences have taught me (amongst other things) that without question, whether good, bad or indifferent.. love between two people will never remain the same over time, it is ever changing... and thank goodness for that!

Today, Valentines 2018, marks the 9th anniversary of my second marriage.  To say it's been a turbulent 9 years is something of an understatement!  We're a passionate and emotional pair, which makes for some spectacular ups... and downs. Safe to say it hasn't all been plain sailing but we've reached a stage where we're secure and content with one another and in fact a bit of occasional turbulence is welcomed... it helps keep things alive. My hubby and I have been through an awful lot to be together, overcoming a certain amount of judgment and prejudice, especially in the early years.  For us, acceptance of and adaptation to change has been pivotal to the survival and growth of our relationship.

I was born an incurable romantic, however life has taught me to also apply a sense of realism when it comes love and relationships.  Valentine celebrations are fun, and a wonderful opportunity to express our love for that special someone.  We don't have to wait for February 14th though to invest a little time in nurturing our relationships, cultivating and strengthening them in preparation for the inevitable... change.

Here's a reading from our very special Valentine wedding ceremony 2009...

"Sooner or later we begin to understand that love is more than verses on Valentines, and romance in the movies.  We begin to know that love is here and now, real and true.  Love is the creator of our favourite memories and the foundation of our fondest dreams."

Happy Valentines everyone! 

Thinking of Summer... Dreaming of Asia

So, how do we fill the void between Christmas and New Year, and the next consumeristic circus events that are Valentines and Easter?..  we plan our summer holidays of course!

And, as we begin to dream of new faraway adventures and wonderfully warmer climes, we probably also reminisce about some of the places we've already visited... South East Asia being right up there on my list of favourites. 

It's no wonder January has many of us turning our thoughts to summer, the first month of the calendar year cannot exactly be described as the best. For a start it's cold, dark and dreary. Many folk are being good and partaking in 'Dry January' (what are they thinking, putting the rest of us to shame?) and we are well and truly over the excitement of the festive season.  The real cost of that oh so wonderful Christmas is perhaps catching up on us in more ways than one... maybe our credit card statement has dropped on the doormat/appeared in our inbox, or perhaps we've begun a ridiculously brutal workout and diet regime, in line with potentially unrealistic new year resolutions (which seemed like a perfectly good idea at the time). 

So, as I turn my thoughts to summer, I can't help but reflect on how fortunate I've been this past few years, and what fabulous experiences I've been able to enjoy, in some very special parts of the world.

Vietnam

In 2016, my hubby and I visited my daughter in Sydney (also up there on my favourites list and definitely one for a post of its own), and on the way, decided to drop in at Ho Chi Minh City and Hoi An. We only had a week in this amazing country, but that was long enough for us to fall in love with the place.  

Ho Chi Minh City (formerly Saigon) is marvelously mad!  The fusion of intense humidity, and delicious street food aroma is intoxicating.  Bustling markets are everywhere, and there is literally nothing you can't buy from the charming, friendly (and occasionally cunning) locals.  As night falls, this city of apparent organised chaos, steps it up a notch (as if that were possible), with the markets and street food stalls becoming an even greater, and very pleasurable, assault on the senses.

  I have never seen so many motorcycles and mopeds in one place, some carrying a load that you'd struggle to fit in a transit van, and others transporting literally whole families around Saigon's busy streets. Hundreds upon hundreds of two-wheeled vehicles (which by the way often mount the pavement to avoid the traffic signals), make crossing the road in this pulsating city an experience in itself.  It's certainly not for the faint-hearted!

Now well and truly ready to slow things down a little, we then made our way to the delightful city of Hoi An.  Situated on Vietnam's central coast, Hoi An boasts a very impressive and well preserved ancient town, not to mention a beautiful beach... it was the perfect contrast to Saigon. We had just four days in Hoi An, but boy did we cram a lot in.  We hired a moped which allowed us to explore the many quiet lanes off the beaten track.  Taking in views of rickety floating bridges, rice paddies, and traditional villages along the way, the moped allowed us a sense of real immersion into local life.  The absolute cherry on top of my delicious Hoi An cake, has to be the Lantern Festival, which I believe takes place once each month... breathtakingly beautiful just about sums it up!   

Thailand

Our tiny taste of South East Asia, certainly whet our appetite for more, and the following year we decided to try Thailand. 

First stop Bangkok,  where we met my daughter and her partner for what we hoped would be a fabulously exciting cultural and culinary adventure... we were not disappointed!  We spent three nights in Thailand's capital, and loved every minute.  From huge (but friendly) monitor lizards in Lumpini Park, to state of the art shopping malls (not especially my thing, but impressive nevertheless), the crazy buzz of Khao San Road (where scorpions on sticks are the must have snack, and where ladies are more 'creative' with ping pong balls than you could ever imagine (so I'm told!)), this city has it all.   Take a river boat ride, visit a temple (spiritual type or not, they're seriously  impressive), take a tuk tuk to China Town (or anywhere), and (don't be shy) have a wander down Soi Cowboy... a little seedy? yes, for children? no, great fun? absolutely!

Again exhausted with the excitement of the big city, we then took a flight south to Krabi... absolutely beautiful, and a fabulous base from which to do a bit (or quite a lot) of island hopping.  Pretty much daily we took a boat at the end of the road to some amazingly picturesque settings (Railay Beach probably my favourite of all).  
Beach barbeques, the most magnificent sunsets, speed boating, bio luminescent snorkelling, cute little monkeys, turquoise waters with stunning limestone cliff backdrops... I could go on, but you need to see it for yourself.

It kind of goes without saying that if you love diverse and delicious food, made with the freshest of local ingredients, you're in for a culinary treat in South East Asia.  And if clean, comfortable accommodation, with unrivaled hospitality at ridiculously low prices is your thing, then this part of the world is for you (though do check Trip Advisor, like anywhere there are also some flea pits to be found!).  

So what are you waiting for?  Check out Asia, you won't be disappointed!

After all that reminiscing of far-flung and fabulous travel experiences, it's a little difficult to accept that this summer we're probably holidaying in the UK (camper-life rules right?!)  Yes, it's time to try and recover a little financially from all those trip-of-a-lifetime shenanigans (I know, dull, but true!).   However, it's only a matter of time before my feet touch Asian soil again... I feel a certain affinity with this part of the world.  Perhaps next time I'll visit Malaysia, Laos, Cambodia, or I might  decide to return to Vietnam and Thailand.  I was lucky enough to visit South Korea some years ago and could also be very tempted by Japan and China, or maybe I'll try South Asia... India, The Maldives, the possibilities are endless (if only my bank balance was too!)  

Happy Holidays!

2018 - Brand New Year, Same Old Me?

So, did life suddenly change for you at the stroke of midnight this New Year's Eve?

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Well maybe for some it did, but I'm guessing for an awful lot more of us 2018 will hold much of the same old, same old... and perhaps that's not such a bad thing.

Having probably spent the past couple of weeks (and in some cases possibly months) eating our way through mountains of mince pies, spending obscene amounts of money, and having watched endless TV repeats of festive 'classics', I don't know about you, but I'm more than a little relieved to get back to some normality this week.

With Christmas behind us yet again, our thoughts now turn to the brand new year ahead and what it might hold for each and every one of us.  And, once the multi million pound firework displays have quite literally gone up in smoke in capital cities across the globe (whilst children starve and the homeless perish), when the party popper streamers have been eaten up by the Dyson, and when you've finally managed to shake off that Prosecco party hangover, what next? Will we, and/or the world around us change and improve overnight simply because we are entering a new calendar year? I think we all know the answer to that one!

Of course change (for better or worse) just happens, it is one of life's few inevitabilities, and I shared my thoughts on this in an earlier post 'My Thoughts on Change... the Only Constant'.  However the kind of change or improvement many of us look to make each new year include things such as give up alcohol, eat less chocolate, and not just join a gym but actually visit and work out there once in a while! Sounds great eh but if you're anything like me, whilst all of these things are not impossible, buckets full of determination would be required to achieve them; as well as a level of commitment which, if I'm going to be totally honest with myself would not last beyond mid-February... at best!

So, (not for the first time) I've decided once again that for me the dawning of a new year will not only provoke thoughts of things I might want to change or improve, but also of those things that make me happy just as they are.  I will not therefore be half killing myself at the gym in an attempt to achieve that washboard stomach or pretending to myself I could ever become teetotal (hey, I turned 50 this year, I know myself very well... and neither of these things are ever going to happen).  Instead I am determined to regularly count my blessings and appreciate the things about myself and my life with which I'm already absolutely content... those things which I hope will never change.

Of course there will always be things in our lives we may well want to change and improve, but know (for whatever reason) that we never can, some things are simply beyond our control. Acceptance in this case, I have found, is the key to peace of mind (indeed sanity!)   Looking back, during my younger years, I caused myself a great deal of upset and anxiety trying to achieve the unachievable, to convert the unconvertible.  These days,  I find it easier to accept things (and people) for what they are, take them or leave them, love them or loathe them - c'est la vie!  Cliche but true, we may not have control over everything around us, but we do have control over how we react and respond to what life throws our way. 

Don't get me wrong, far be it from me to rest on my laurels... I know there's always room for improvement and that it's healthy to strive for it.  Indeed I will for sure (okay perhaps) try to drink less alcohol, eat less chocolate and work on improving my fitness level (just a little!). However, I certainly will not be losing sleep or be beating myself with a big stick if I happen to have lost the will by Valentine's Day!

And maybe... no hopefully, no definitely, I won't be just the same old me in 2018.  But the new and improved me won't be the result of anything to do with chocolate, alcohol or any old treadmill, it will be the result of my realisation that there's an awful lot to be said for just being happy and content with who I am, and with what I have.  Each day of the year may well be an opportunity to change and improve, but don't forget each day is also an opportunity to celebrate and be thankful for some things... just exactly the way they are.

Happy New Year, and good luck with those resolutions!




(Adapted from my original 2016 post... two years on, sentiment remains pretty much the same!)